I Can Only Imagine (with lyrics) - MercyMe

This song played at my moms funeral. She always loved this song and my mom and I had MANY talks about what we thought we would do when we were standing before God. My mom always thought she would fall to her knees in awe of the Lord. She always said she wasn't scared of death she was scared to leave all of us but she couldn't wait to be home with Her savior and Lord. She looked forward to the day that she could see again perfectly without seeing double, that her legs wouldn't give out, and that she was no longer in pain. Even though I wasn't ready, my dad wasn't ready, my brothers our spouses and our kids were not ready, we know for a doubt our mom (wife/grandma/mother-in-law) is in the arms of Jesus. My moms faith was present and she loved the Lord our God with all her heart, soul, and mind. I know that one day I will see my mom again!

Worst day in my life!

The day that mom passed still haunts me. It was the worst day in my entire life and has been a nightmare that I have relived over and over for the past couple months. Friday, Feb 6th, 2015 started like every normal day, I called my mom first thing when I woke up to talk with her and check on her, she had a cold but said she was doing good. She was going to watch my kids that night while I went out for a girls night for a friends birthday. I told my mom I would come over a little early so I could see her some, then said I love you and hung up. I later called her again around 3:30 to make sure she was still good to have my kids, she said "yep I am working on dinner now and am looking forward to playing with your kids." I said are you sure and she said "Ya, I have an annoying little cough but am feeling good."

Around 5 the kids and I left to go to my parents house, I almost got there and my dad called and said my mom had fallen (due to MS) and her oxygen was low so they decided to go to urgent care to get it checked out. I said ok no problem and headed back home. About 15 min after that phone call my dad called again and said we didn't make it to the hospital but that he was calling for an ambulance and he would keep me posted. He then called back about 8 min later and said they are working on your mom. My neighbor was home and came over to be with my kids, while I called my husband and told him to leave work. I then called my best friend to say I wasn't coming to the party, and she said she was coming with me. So she met me at my brothers store, because I was under the impression my mom was either on her way to the hospital or in the ambulance headed there, my brother had the impression that they were working on our mom on the side of the road close to their house. So I sent my husband to my parents house, and we waited for a phone call. After 30 min of not hearing anything we decided to head towards my parents house. My best friend drove me there which was good because I was a wreck. The entire car ride we tried calling my dad, husband, and ER to try to locate my mom. I kept telling my friend that I knew my mom was gone because someone would have called me. My friend kept telling me to stop thinking that way and to think positive, but I knew.

We got to my parents road (they live on a dirt road), and I saw all these lights (ambulances, fire trucks, police cars...so many cars). There was no ambulance so I got a glimpse of hope that it had taken off with my mom and was at the hospital or on its way there.  Then I saw it...I saw a mound on the ground with a white sheet over it and I knew, I knew without a doubt that my mommy was dead. I started screaming even before my friend stopped the car and I started saying NOOOO that is my mom....no. I came out of the car screaming, calling for my mom and saying no that is my mom...please God no. My dad, husband, and brother came over and we all were crying together. I remember feeling as though I had no strength in my legs, but I remember my husband holding me and keeping me up off the ground. I felt so weak, all I could do was scream, cry, and stare at my mom who was laying on the ground under the sheet. It was the absolute WORST sight and time in my life ever!

I miss my mom so much, I miss her advice, her wisdom, her hugs, and love. She meant the world to me and she is so missed by everyone she knew. I know my mom was in pain for so much of her life and I know she is now walking perfect, seeing perfect, and in absolutely NO pain; but I need my mom I wasn't ready for her to leave me. I never got to say goodbye!

 

I love you mommy! You were the best mom a girl could ask for, not only did you love me but you loved my husband and our kids unconditionally. You are so missed mom!

Its been a long time...

Life Changes
Wow life has really changed since I last posted! For starters after a scare with our last pregnancy, we had our beautiful rainbow baby Makenna Elizabeth Susanna, she has been such a delight and we truly treasure our little miracle. Our family feels complete with our 4 wonderful kiddos, I am so blessed.

 

 

Devastating Life Changes
Another huge and devastating change has been the loss of my mom who was not just my mom but my best friend. On Feb 6th, 4 days after her 60th birthday my mom died suddenly of a heart attack due to high blood pressure. Even though my mom struggled for years with MS (Multiple Sclerosis)and was in constant pain her death was unexpected and completely devastating to my family. I feel so lost without my mom and often am so alone and unsure of how to continue on. My mom is so missed and loved by myself, my dad, siblings, our spouses, all her 9 grandchildren (ages 1 year to 12 years old), and her many friends.

 

 

 

Surrendering to God, feeling His Love again
With the loss of my mom I am trying to find our new "normal". I know my life will never be the same because no one can ever replace her. A friend in a miscarriage group recently posted a song on her blog that has really helped me. In the song it says, "I touch the sky when my knees hit the ground" that reminds me so much of when my mom died, my dad and husband held me up as I was screaming and calling out to God and begging for my mom...but I have felt something about me being held up because I would have been on my knees crying out. I have had to surrender the loss of my mom to God. Here is the song that has been amazing to me during this difficult time.

https://youtu.be/y1RQciil7B0

Baby #4

Wow the last year and a half has been extremely crazy! First it started out with a surprise, unexpected pregnancy which took time to get use to. Finally when we got use to it when I should have been around 10 weeks we began to mc. This was heartbreaking and we were crushed. Then we had the desire to have another baby, so we decided to try again, which led to another mc at 7 weeks, then another at 6 weeks. It was hard, devastating, and just killed us. With going through these mc's our family was def thrown into the fire and was just crushed. We made it through and decided that we need to continue trusting in God. A little over a year after our first mc, we found ourselves pregnant again for the 4th time, we were scared and excited at the same time. When we were right at 6 weeks prego we went in for an u/s and baby only measured 4 weeks 3 days, we were once again crushed, and told to wait. We waited for 2 weeks for another u/s and we were waiting for mc to begin. Finally 2 weeks past and we went in again for another u/s, when we went in we were SHOCKED and so excited to see our little miracle with a beautiful heart beat on the screen. Baby measured 7 weeks 5 days which was only 2 days behind where I thought we were the first time. We were so excited and felt so blessed to see what God was doing. We still were very cautious and worried that we could still lose this baby. Today we are 13 weeks and baby is still doing perfect and growing like crazy. I am able to find the heart beat with the doppler which has helped in easing my anxiety. We are so excited to see what God is going to do with this baby and with our family. We can't wait to see the miracles that God continues to preform.

Another Blog

A few months ago I started a new blog because it really helped me through my second miscarriage...well it is now helping me in being about to vocalize my thoughts about my life right now. A friend suggested I share it so here goes! http://miscarriagestruggles.blogspot.com/

Three times REALLY????

There are a lot of questions that I want to ask God such as why God allows things to happen to us. I want to know why he gives us things to only take them back months or weeks after he had given them to you! I want to know why he allows you to have the same thing happen over and over again....3 times to be exact. Did I really need to go through this pain 3 times??? Wasn't one time and at least two times ENOUGH?? WHY THREE??? In the past 10 months...my heart has been filled with so much joy and excitement only to have that taken away and have my heart crushed and shattered three different times. I feel such a loss and have no more hope. Quotes and scripture: "When you are down and out remember, God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers." Author unknown. "Peace is not the absence of trouble but the presents of Christ." By Sheila Walsh "Keep calm and carry on." "When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you dont throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer." Corrie Ten Boom "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12

God works in mysterious ways

Recently I was asked to talk about depression at my MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group. I really didn't want to and even kept saying that I just couldn't do it. Through lots of prayer and encouragement from friends I felt like God was pushing me to speak...so I did. It went GREAT...way better then expected. God really helped me, by calming my nerves, giving me peace, and helping me in writing and telling my story with depression. With anyone who knows me they know that I HATE talking in front of people...I freak out, shake, sweat, and often have panic attacks, but God is SO good because as that was starting to happen I received a text from a lady in my Bible study which said "Joshua 1:8 'Be strong and courageous. Do not tremble or be dismayed for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.' Praying you sense God's presence." As soon as I got this I began to feel comforted, I began to pray and I felt COMPLETE peace. I still cried as I talked but the nerves were gone and I could feel God holding me as I spoke. Through writing and telling my story I felt so much healing. I also felt so much support from many of the MOPS moms, which really has helped me. It was so hard telling these women my flaws, thoughts, and feelings that I have struggled with throughout the years. But I know that even if this didn't help any other women who might be struggling it has truly helped me with speaking out about my struggles.

Before my friend and I spoke we looked up videos to open up our talk. We found one that was perfect. There are two sentences in the beginning which refer to Suicide...but the rest of the song just reminded me of things that I feel. So we shared it with our group. I wanted to share it here.



JOSH UPDATE


Life has been crazy here. Just last week Josh started his new job which is currently on days. We are so excited that he finally is working days even though it is only until September. We are praying that a permanent day position will open but are so thankful to have him home at nights until Sept. We have been praying for a day job for 8 years!!! It has been hard getting use to having a husband home at night, but I am LOVING having dinner with him and watching the boys spend more time with him.

KADEN UPDATE

We are still struggling with Kaden's eye. We think that things are going great then we have another downfall and are unsure of what to do. We just got a note home from the school saying that during an eye test at school it showed that his eyes were not good...with his glasses. I just dont know what to do. We have been to a pediatric eye dr who fixed his prescription and we were recently there when we were told that we finally got the right prescription. I am so frustrated because he already has bad eye sight and the thought that his eyes are getting worse really scares me. We are going to try and go to another dr to figure out what is going on. Kaden is doing well in school, reading better, doing great on math, and just enjoying his class.


ASHTON UPDATE

Ashton is doing well in school. He is really enjoying it and is beginning to learn to read. He is starting to see a speech therapist for some of the letter sounds that he struggles with, but we are hoping that he wont have to see the therapist for long and that he will begin to get the letter sounds down.

BRENNAN UPDATE

Brennan has just started to be potty trained. He is doing pretty good...only one accident yesterday! YAY!!! He did get the wall and me while sitting on the potty though...lol He thought that was hilarious...especially when he got me, he couldn't stop laughing. Hopefully he doesn't think that is a game now! =)