I Can Only Imagine (with lyrics) - MercyMe

This song played at my moms funeral. She always loved this song and my mom and I had MANY talks about what we thought we would do when we were standing before God. My mom always thought she would fall to her knees in awe of the Lord. She always said she wasn't scared of death she was scared to leave all of us but she couldn't wait to be home with Her savior and Lord. She looked forward to the day that she could see again perfectly without seeing double, that her legs wouldn't give out, and that she was no longer in pain. Even though I wasn't ready, my dad wasn't ready, my brothers our spouses and our kids were not ready, we know for a doubt our mom (wife/grandma/mother-in-law) is in the arms of Jesus. My moms faith was present and she loved the Lord our God with all her heart, soul, and mind. I know that one day I will see my mom again!

Worst day in my life!

The day that mom passed still haunts me. It was the worst day in my entire life and has been a nightmare that I have relived over and over for the past couple months. Friday, Feb 6th, 2015 started like every normal day, I called my mom first thing when I woke up to talk with her and check on her, she had a cold but said she was doing good. She was going to watch my kids that night while I went out for a girls night for a friends birthday. I told my mom I would come over a little early so I could see her some, then said I love you and hung up. I later called her again around 3:30 to make sure she was still good to have my kids, she said "yep I am working on dinner now and am looking forward to playing with your kids." I said are you sure and she said "Ya, I have an annoying little cough but am feeling good."

Around 5 the kids and I left to go to my parents house, I almost got there and my dad called and said my mom had fallen (due to MS) and her oxygen was low so they decided to go to urgent care to get it checked out. I said ok no problem and headed back home. About 15 min after that phone call my dad called again and said we didn't make it to the hospital but that he was calling for an ambulance and he would keep me posted. He then called back about 8 min later and said they are working on your mom. My neighbor was home and came over to be with my kids, while I called my husband and told him to leave work. I then called my best friend to say I wasn't coming to the party, and she said she was coming with me. So she met me at my brothers store, because I was under the impression my mom was either on her way to the hospital or in the ambulance headed there, my brother had the impression that they were working on our mom on the side of the road close to their house. So I sent my husband to my parents house, and we waited for a phone call. After 30 min of not hearing anything we decided to head towards my parents house. My best friend drove me there which was good because I was a wreck. The entire car ride we tried calling my dad, husband, and ER to try to locate my mom. I kept telling my friend that I knew my mom was gone because someone would have called me. My friend kept telling me to stop thinking that way and to think positive, but I knew.

We got to my parents road (they live on a dirt road), and I saw all these lights (ambulances, fire trucks, police cars...so many cars). There was no ambulance so I got a glimpse of hope that it had taken off with my mom and was at the hospital or on its way there.  Then I saw it...I saw a mound on the ground with a white sheet over it and I knew, I knew without a doubt that my mommy was dead. I started screaming even before my friend stopped the car and I started saying NOOOO that is my mom....no. I came out of the car screaming, calling for my mom and saying no that is my mom...please God no. My dad, husband, and brother came over and we all were crying together. I remember feeling as though I had no strength in my legs, but I remember my husband holding me and keeping me up off the ground. I felt so weak, all I could do was scream, cry, and stare at my mom who was laying on the ground under the sheet. It was the absolute WORST sight and time in my life ever!

I miss my mom so much, I miss her advice, her wisdom, her hugs, and love. She meant the world to me and she is so missed by everyone she knew. I know my mom was in pain for so much of her life and I know she is now walking perfect, seeing perfect, and in absolutely NO pain; but I need my mom I wasn't ready for her to leave me. I never got to say goodbye!

 

I love you mommy! You were the best mom a girl could ask for, not only did you love me but you loved my husband and our kids unconditionally. You are so missed mom!

Its been a long time...

Life Changes
Wow life has really changed since I last posted! For starters after a scare with our last pregnancy, we had our beautiful rainbow baby Makenna Elizabeth Susanna, she has been such a delight and we truly treasure our little miracle. Our family feels complete with our 4 wonderful kiddos, I am so blessed.

 

 

Devastating Life Changes
Another huge and devastating change has been the loss of my mom who was not just my mom but my best friend. On Feb 6th, 4 days after her 60th birthday my mom died suddenly of a heart attack due to high blood pressure. Even though my mom struggled for years with MS (Multiple Sclerosis)and was in constant pain her death was unexpected and completely devastating to my family. I feel so lost without my mom and often am so alone and unsure of how to continue on. My mom is so missed and loved by myself, my dad, siblings, our spouses, all her 9 grandchildren (ages 1 year to 12 years old), and her many friends.

 

 

 

Surrendering to God, feeling His Love again
With the loss of my mom I am trying to find our new "normal". I know my life will never be the same because no one can ever replace her. A friend in a miscarriage group recently posted a song on her blog that has really helped me. In the song it says, "I touch the sky when my knees hit the ground" that reminds me so much of when my mom died, my dad and husband held me up as I was screaming and calling out to God and begging for my mom...but I have felt something about me being held up because I would have been on my knees crying out. I have had to surrender the loss of my mom to God. Here is the song that has been amazing to me during this difficult time.

https://youtu.be/y1RQciil7B0

Baby #4

Wow the last year and a half has been extremely crazy! First it started out with a surprise, unexpected pregnancy which took time to get use to. Finally when we got use to it when I should have been around 10 weeks we began to mc. This was heartbreaking and we were crushed. Then we had the desire to have another baby, so we decided to try again, which led to another mc at 7 weeks, then another at 6 weeks. It was hard, devastating, and just killed us. With going through these mc's our family was def thrown into the fire and was just crushed. We made it through and decided that we need to continue trusting in God. A little over a year after our first mc, we found ourselves pregnant again for the 4th time, we were scared and excited at the same time. When we were right at 6 weeks prego we went in for an u/s and baby only measured 4 weeks 3 days, we were once again crushed, and told to wait. We waited for 2 weeks for another u/s and we were waiting for mc to begin. Finally 2 weeks past and we went in again for another u/s, when we went in we were SHOCKED and so excited to see our little miracle with a beautiful heart beat on the screen. Baby measured 7 weeks 5 days which was only 2 days behind where I thought we were the first time. We were so excited and felt so blessed to see what God was doing. We still were very cautious and worried that we could still lose this baby. Today we are 13 weeks and baby is still doing perfect and growing like crazy. I am able to find the heart beat with the doppler which has helped in easing my anxiety. We are so excited to see what God is going to do with this baby and with our family. We can't wait to see the miracles that God continues to preform.

Another Blog

A few months ago I started a new blog because it really helped me through my second miscarriage...well it is now helping me in being about to vocalize my thoughts about my life right now. A friend suggested I share it so here goes! http://miscarriagestruggles.blogspot.com/

Three times REALLY????

There are a lot of questions that I want to ask God such as why God allows things to happen to us. I want to know why he gives us things to only take them back months or weeks after he had given them to you! I want to know why he allows you to have the same thing happen over and over again....3 times to be exact. Did I really need to go through this pain 3 times??? Wasn't one time and at least two times ENOUGH?? WHY THREE??? In the past 10 months...my heart has been filled with so much joy and excitement only to have that taken away and have my heart crushed and shattered three different times. I feel such a loss and have no more hope. Quotes and scripture: "When you are down and out remember, God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers." Author unknown. "Peace is not the absence of trouble but the presents of Christ." By Sheila Walsh "Keep calm and carry on." "When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you dont throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer." Corrie Ten Boom "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12

God works in mysterious ways

Recently I was asked to talk about depression at my MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group. I really didn't want to and even kept saying that I just couldn't do it. Through lots of prayer and encouragement from friends I felt like God was pushing me to speak...so I did. It went GREAT...way better then expected. God really helped me, by calming my nerves, giving me peace, and helping me in writing and telling my story with depression. With anyone who knows me they know that I HATE talking in front of people...I freak out, shake, sweat, and often have panic attacks, but God is SO good because as that was starting to happen I received a text from a lady in my Bible study which said "Joshua 1:8 'Be strong and courageous. Do not tremble or be dismayed for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.' Praying you sense God's presence." As soon as I got this I began to feel comforted, I began to pray and I felt COMPLETE peace. I still cried as I talked but the nerves were gone and I could feel God holding me as I spoke. Through writing and telling my story I felt so much healing. I also felt so much support from many of the MOPS moms, which really has helped me. It was so hard telling these women my flaws, thoughts, and feelings that I have struggled with throughout the years. But I know that even if this didn't help any other women who might be struggling it has truly helped me with speaking out about my struggles.

Before my friend and I spoke we looked up videos to open up our talk. We found one that was perfect. There are two sentences in the beginning which refer to Suicide...but the rest of the song just reminded me of things that I feel. So we shared it with our group. I wanted to share it here.



JOSH UPDATE


Life has been crazy here. Just last week Josh started his new job which is currently on days. We are so excited that he finally is working days even though it is only until September. We are praying that a permanent day position will open but are so thankful to have him home at nights until Sept. We have been praying for a day job for 8 years!!! It has been hard getting use to having a husband home at night, but I am LOVING having dinner with him and watching the boys spend more time with him.

KADEN UPDATE

We are still struggling with Kaden's eye. We think that things are going great then we have another downfall and are unsure of what to do. We just got a note home from the school saying that during an eye test at school it showed that his eyes were not good...with his glasses. I just dont know what to do. We have been to a pediatric eye dr who fixed his prescription and we were recently there when we were told that we finally got the right prescription. I am so frustrated because he already has bad eye sight and the thought that his eyes are getting worse really scares me. We are going to try and go to another dr to figure out what is going on. Kaden is doing well in school, reading better, doing great on math, and just enjoying his class.


ASHTON UPDATE

Ashton is doing well in school. He is really enjoying it and is beginning to learn to read. He is starting to see a speech therapist for some of the letter sounds that he struggles with, but we are hoping that he wont have to see the therapist for long and that he will begin to get the letter sounds down.

BRENNAN UPDATE

Brennan has just started to be potty trained. He is doing pretty good...only one accident yesterday! YAY!!! He did get the wall and me while sitting on the potty though...lol He thought that was hilarious...especially when he got me, he couldn't stop laughing. Hopefully he doesn't think that is a game now! =)

yeah for new jobs.....taboo topics!!

I am so excited to have my hubby home for nights soon. Even if it is only for a few months! I feel so blessed to even be getting this opportunity! God is SOOO good!

I have met with and talked with a lot of women lately who have recently or previously gone through a miscarriage and one thing I don't get is why is it such a taboo topic? It has helped so much talking to these ladies especially since we have gone through similar tragedies! I just dont get why so many people feel the need to keep quiet, because every time I open up I feel so much more at peace.

Each new life... No matter how fragile or brief... Forever changes the world. *Unknown*

New Job!!!

Praise the Lord...Josh finally got a new job after about 4 years of trying!!! He is still at Purina and will still be working a crappy shift but he finally has a job which will allow him to start moving up within the company or that will allow him to go for other jobs at another company in the future! We are excited and blessed that God has allowed for Josh to get a different job! Josh should be starting the new job soon and until Sept will be working the day shift while he has training! The boys are so excited that they will get to see their dad more...at least for awhile!

update on Kaden's eyes / LIFE

We went down to Phoenix on Thursday to go to the Pediatric Eye Dr for Kaden and we got VERY encouraging news. The Dr feels we FINALLY got the right prescription and that there does not appear to be any permanent damage at this time. He wants us back in 4 months but until then things are looking good!

Other than Kaden's eyes, life just seems to be going wrong. I am so confused, frustrated, mad, and discouraged right now.

1st - I am really struggling to get on with my life after loss and am having a really hard time. I want a baby so bad and feel so alone and empty.

2nd - I am so sick of Josh working nights!!! We were told that there was a job that was perfect for him and after applying and interviewing we were told that they had someone who was more qualified! We feel so incredibly let down and mad! We have been told once again about another job but feel uncertain towards it!

We are praying that God will direct us in family and in work, and that we will put our COMPLETE trust in him!

Eyes and a possible different Job

Next week on Thursday, Kaden and I will be heading down to the valley for another eye appointment. We will be finding out if there is any permanent damage done to Kaden's eyes. We are praying that we will find out good news but we are hopeful that everything will be perfect, as perfect as it can be anyways! So far it appears that his glasses are better for him and I am hopeful that the Dr will agree! Since getting his new glasses Kaden has started doing amazing in school, he is finally reading and seems to see so much better. I still have a hard time with the fact that he has such poor eyesight but hopefully we can get things under control with his eyes.

Josh recently applied for a new job...one where he would work days. We are supposed to hear back from them next week of if he got the job or not. We are really praying that he will so he can be home with us at night. We are trusting that God will really direct us and if this is not the right job that God will guide us to the next step and hopefully a new job!

Grieving...

Life has been slowly moving on! I still feel an incredible loss which is so hard to explain! It has been an emotional couple of months and I am so glad to have God, a wonderful family, and great friends to help me through this journey! Yesterday I received a devotional from a good friend called "Grieving the Child I Never Knew," by Kathe Wunnenberg. So far it has been a huge encouragement and has really helped me in realizing that my thoughts and feelings are normal for a woman who has just had a miscarriage. Today while I was reading the book, I came to a letter that the author wrote for her children that she will never get to know, this letter describes how I feel completely so I wanted to share it. This letter was from Kathe Wunnenberg, in her book "Grieving the Child I never Knew"

Dear Precious one,

For those few weeks I had you to myself my life was changed profoundly
You were hidden beneath my heart and my love for you grew in it.
You came to trust me with your life. Oh, what a life I had planned for you!
When I lost you, I lost a lifetime of hopes, plans, dreams, and aspirations. Part of my future simply vanished overnight. There wasn't enough time to convince others how special and important you were. You are gone, but others aren't mourning your passing.
They tell me that no normal person would cry all night over a tiny, unfinished baby, or get depressed and withdraw day after day. No one else would, so why am I?
You were there just those few weeks, my little one. You darted in and out of my life to quickly, but it seems that's all the time you needed to leave your signature on my heart and give me a small glimpse of eternity.

Love, Mommy

I am so grateful to have found ways that I can grieve and get help grieving my baby! I am so thankful that God has shown me ways to help me and that I can truly see God helping me through this trial!

Merry Christmas!

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!

life goes on...

"Some say you are too painful to remember, I say you are too PRECIOUS to forget!"

It is so hard for life to continue on...I feel like I am stuck in this nightmare which is NEVER ending. Many people say I should be over it and how can I still be hurting because I was "not that pregnant." I think that I once believed that, until I went through this storm myself. People wonder why I am still grieving over my loss and they assume that everything is fine, because the miscarriage part is over, but I don't think there will ever be a day that I won't grieve over my precious baby! My grandma was recently in town and provided me with a lot of comfort and strength. My grandma lost my grandpa last year and she really helped me in realizing that it is okay to grieve even when people think I should be healed. She told me even when I am healed that I will still grieve and it is normal and okay! I am so thankful for my grandma and her encouraging words, prayers, and wisdom. I know that having a miscarriage is nothing compared to losing your spouse of 60 years, but I am thankful for her helpful words. I found a couple quotes that I just loved about grief!

"Grief is like an earthquake. The first one hits you and the world falls apart. Even after you put the world together again there are aftershocks, and you never really know when those will come." Lynne B. Hughes.

"Grief lasts longer than sympathy, which is one of the tragedies of the grieving.” ~Unknown~

This has been one of the hardest things I have ever gone through and I still feel so empty and alone. I know I am not alone but it often feels this way. God has truly blessed me and showed me his presence through having my miscarriage naturally after weeks of prayer. He has also blessed me through providing me with a GREAT group of women who are all going through the same thing as me. I have felt so much comfort with these ladies and I am so thankful that I met them, so we can comfort and help each other through these difficult times.

ON ANOTHER NOTE:

My hubby has an interview on Monday for a DAY job! We are praying that God would send us and the company clear guidance and that he would direct us to where we need to be. We are praying that he would get this job so he can FINALLY be with us at night but if not that we will be content with his current job!

God is Good

GOD IS GOOD!!!

I went into my appointment today and was completely shocked, excited, sad, and happy all in a matter of seconds! I was shocked and excited to find out that the piece of placenta was gone and that I no longer needed surgery! I was sad because I feel empty, and sad that I will not be holding my baby (until God decides its my time to go home! =)). I feel happy that the miscarriage is over and that God answered my prayer by allowing it to happen naturally! I love when you can see miracles unfold in front of your eyes, it is such a reminder that God is with you in the good times and the bad! I feel I can finally move on and continue with the healing and mourning process. When I left my doctors I felt happy for the first time in weeks.

I thank God for providing me with great family and friends who have helped me through this storm in my life, without them I couldn't continue on.

“We have suffered, but we have survived; We are hurting, but we are enduring.” -Ben Van Vechten

In the midst of a storm

It has been almost a month since I found out that our baby was gone! It has been a hard month full of struggles, emotions, heartache, and fear! I am so ready for this storm to pass. I have had multiple trips (6 to be exact not counting tomorrows appointment) to the doctor since I found out the baby was gone. It is always hard going to the gyno's when all you want is to be pregnant and you are surrounded by happy, pregnant women. I just want to scream every-time I go in there. I am praying that tomorrow is the last time I have to go for awhile. Tomorrow I find out if I will be having a D&C due to a piece of placenta being stuck. It will be an absolute miracle if I don't have to have surgery and I am not expecting to hear that because the only way that will happen is if a miracle happened! I am still praying for that miracle so that I don't have to have surgery...but I am okay if I have to have surgery, mainly due to the fact that I have been going through this for so long and I feel as though I can't fully mourn until the miscarriage is complete. As of now I have surgery scheduled for Thursday because my dr said if the miscarriage is not complete I am prone to infection and I would have to do surgery immediately!

Through the stress of the miscarriage and emotions/hormones going crazy, our family has really become a closer unit! It has been hard but I love the tenderness and love shown from my 4 boys (Josh and the 3 boys). It has shown me that with each other and God's love we can make it through storms together!

God has a reason for allowing things to happen. We may never understand his wisdom, but we simply have to trust his will.

Beyond frustrated

I am so frustrated. I just went to my doctors this morning and I miscarried the sac/baby but still have a big clot associated with everything! I am so mad....I really wanted to do all this natural and I am frustrated that it has been almost 2 weeks and I still have not miscarried everything! I have to start taking the meds today to attempt to get rid of everything...but if that doesn't work then I will have to go in for a D&C. I am so upset. This has just made everything even worse. I finally felt like I was able to get over everything and move on...then this happens and I have all the same emotions all over again. It is so hard and I just want to sit and cry! I don't understand why it takes so long to miscarry and why it is so difficult to get everything out. It makes the mourning and everything that much harder because the trial keeps continuing on. I know that I will never know why God aloud for this to happen and why it has been such a struggle to actually miscarry, but I am continuing to give it to God and trusting that he still has me in his hands even through everything is such a mess. I am praying that God will help me through this trial!

Feeling alone!

"God I would have loved to hold my baby on my lap and teach them about you, but since I never got that chance will you hold my baby on your Lap and teach them about me"

Life after loss

Wow it has been awhile since I have posted on here and it seems like the only time I post is when I just need to get out my feelings and this is the only way!

Josh and I found out around Oct 10th that we would be expecting our 4th baby! At first I was not too excited because I had just become content with only having our 3 boys. It took a couple weeks but I started to get really excited. I was feeling morning sickness and everything seemed to be on track. Then a couple weeks later I started cramping really bad which I was told is normal once you have had children before...but my dr decided to do an ultrasound just to make sure. So we went in on Nov 1st. At that point I should have been at least 7 weeks pregnant and I was sure it was closer to 9 weeks along. The ultrasound tech found the baby but it was only measuring 5 weeks and 1 day. So the dr and ultrasound tech decided that they would give me another week because sometimes babies grow differently or my dates could be off. So they sent me on my way and told me that they didn't really know what to expect and that it could go either way. So we scheduled an appointment for Nov 7th. The whole week I was anxious and freaking out because I did not want to lose this baby! Finally on Saturday, I was filled with peace and I just knew that everything was going to be okay and that God was holding me and that everything would be fine! So Monday came and I was calm and excited to see the miracle that would happen before my eyes. We went in and the ultrasound tech began doing the ultrasound and the sac was there but the baby was gone. All I heard was "I am so sorry". So we got dressed went out to the FULL waiting room and had to wait to get called back to see our Dr. It was awful not only was I in a full waiting room but surrounded by pregnant women, or women with new babies. I felt all eyes on me as I had tears running down my face. They finally called us back to a room and we waited and waited for what seemed like forever! Finally my dr came in and said, "I am so sorry you guys." She let us know we had a blighted ovum, which basically means that the baby could not develop past 6 weeks and that it eventually dissolves into the sac. She said that in this type of pregnancy their are chromosome issues which cause it not to fully develop. As of that ultrasound the baby was not in the sac and the sac had stopped growing. The dr let me know of my options, and so Josh and I decided to try natural and then go with the pills at the end of the week, which would help in causing miscarriage. After we left we prayed and prayed over our loss and our baby who is now in Heaven. We prayed that God would have me miscarry on my own and that I wouldn't have to take the pills! That night God answered my prayer by allowing me to start miscarrying on my own. Josh and I are heartbroken over our loss and pray that God will continue to hold our family close as we deal with the loss of this precious baby!

Life

Josh has officially applied to a couple positions at Gore so now we are waiting and praying. We are also thinking through the idea of Josh switching to 3rd shift (11pm-7am). We know this would be an ideal shift (of course nothing like first but we can't do anything about that) so that Josh can see the boys. I am really struggling with this because I know it would be even harder on our marriage as well as a struggle for me with having completely different schedules. I am praying that something will happen soon.

On a good note Kaden has really seemed to improve in school and it seems as if his glasses are really beneficial to him and that they really are helping him. I had my sister-in-law Kristin test him some since she is a first grade teacher and she believes that he will do fine next year. I am relieved and finally feel like there is nothing wrong with him besides poor eye sight. I still have to wonder if there is something more going on with his eyes and I am continually trying to give it to God. We have decided that next time we need to go to an eye doctor that we will take him to Phoenix to a children's specialist. I think that it is time to get to the bottom of it and determine if there is an underlying issue such as macula dystrophy (which was ruled out last year by a specialist).

Ashton is doing great and excelling in school. He is doing so good that we have decided to put him in Kindergarten next year. Brennan is doing good but is such a handful! He is very active and keeps himself busy all day long.

I am truly enjoying my boys!