frustrations

I know it seems as though whenever I post it is because I am going through some trial. I think that I have found that writing helps me in dealing with all of life's little trials. =-)

I am really having a hard time with Josh's job right now...with Kaden going into first grade and Ashton going into Kindergarten I know that if Josh has the same job, that they will never see each other. Josh and I have really been praying about what to do and have decided to begin the search of another job in another company. This is tough especially since their are not many jobs out there and any jobs which are out there are highly sought after. We had hoped to stay in Purina, but have come to the realization that they don't really care to help employees move up within the company even though they paid for his education. =-) At least Josh got a degree from them. We are hoping for God's direction in what we should do and where to go. I also want patience as my patience is growing thin and I am getting more and more frustrated as time goes on.

Fears

I don't know why it is easier for me to type things then to talk...but oh well. We are still dealing with the same stuff with Kaden's eyes although it does appear that the glasses seem to help most of the time...but then there are times when he says the glasses make his eyes blurry so I feel that we have not gone anywhere with his eyes and I am SO frustrated. I just want closure and to be able to help Kaden. I know I am also concerned about him being teased with wearing glasses and that scares me. I just want to protect my baby, and it is hard for me seeing my six year old having to wear glasses with a prescription that I can't even see through because it is so strong.

Then there is Kaden's schooling. We held him back last year and had him repeat Kindergarten but he is still not at the level that he should be and it scares me. His teacher had wanted to do testing for a learning disability but after him getting his classes the teacher has seen improvements so she no longer wants to test. I am still trying to push for it because I still think there is something going on. I know as a parent, that I always have the worst thoughts and fears about stuff with my kids, but I keep thinking what if I am not wrong, what if there is something more going on. It has been hard for me to tell the teacher I still want the testing and that I think she is wrong. I just keep asking God for wisdom on if I need to continue pushing or give in and trust the teacher.

LIFE

I just finished reading the book "Choosing to See" and I am amazed at how much I learned from this book. I may not have had a tragedy such as the Chapman family but seeing their faith and hearing their story has helped me in seeing my issue in a new light. My main issue is Josh's job and Kaden's eyes...none of which compare to losing a child, but with reading this book I have realized that even when it feels as though I am alone and that God doesn't care that he really does. I may not see his hand in every aspect of my life...but he is there in everything big and small. I may not get the answers to my questions when I want them or the way I want them...but God is always answering my prayers. In the book, Mary Beth Chapman talks about begging God for her daughter to be alive and well, then she later on goes on saying that she doesn't like the answer she got but that God did answer her and her daughter is alive and well in Heaven with him and that he is taking care of her. I think too many times we think our prayers are not answered because we didn't get what we wanted but in the end God will ALWAYS answer our prayers...but in His own way and in His timing. This book has really aloud me to see God for who he is as well as seeing Him as being in charge of EVERYTHING. It has helped me in dealing with Josh's job as well as the uncertainties of Kaden's eyes. I have learned that getting upset about Josh's job or Kaden's eyes wont help anything and that I just need to give it to God and patiently wait on God's PERFECT timing. God is so GOOD!

Choosing to see

I am not normally a big reader but I recently started reading a book that my mom passed on to me called "Choosing to See" by Mary Beth Chapman. I can't put the book down. Mary Beth Chapman is such an amazing woman who has dealt with many struggles as well as the death of her little girl. Her book has really caused me to look at my life as well as looking at my relationship with God. It has helped me in putting my trust in God even when things don't seem to be going the way I think or feel that they should. This book has helped me in being able to see God's love in everything big or small.

This book has also put thoughts of adoption back in my head. Josh and I have occasionally talked about this but through reading this book it has put the desire back in my heart. One funny thing is of course I really want a girl but with thinking about this...I think I would be okay with a little boy. This is something I never thought I would even think about especially after having 3 boys!! Josh and I would like to start getting more information on the process as we pray over this issue. We know at this point that we can not afford it...but we also know that if it is God's will God will direct us and provide for it. We have decided to really pray over this in order to know which way God is leading.

Life as we get close to the New Year

Life has been crazy here. We went in for Kaden's 5th eye exam in a year...counting his school eye exam. Our of all exams it has shown Kaden's eye sight to be very different. The first test was (20/50, 20/60), the second showed (20/30, 20/30), the third showed almost perfect, the fourth showed (20/50, 20/60), the fifth showed (20/100, 20/200). So huge difference causing major stress as well as lots of prayer. Kaden has gotten his second pair of glasses and one min he will wear them and say he sees better but then a little while later he takes them off. This leads us to believe that maybe his eye sight comes and goes. The dr said that would be very rare but that she is not going to rule it out so we head back in to the eye dr in Jan...which will possibly lead us to a childrens eye specialist. We are just praying for answers so that if there is something going on that we can begin to fix it or work with it. Kaden is such a tender-hearted little boy and is such a help to me with his brothers.

Onto Ashton...he is so much like me, and NOT in a good way! =) He has attitude and has definitely been my biggest struggle. I remember my mom telling me that payback will be when I have a kid that is strong-willed like me. I would tell her that I was praying to have a kid like me because I would know what to do with them, and that I didnt want a quiet, shy kid because I would be bored with it! BOY was I wrong, I wish I had a quiet kid! I have really understood what I put my parents through! Sorry dad and mom! On the other hand Ashton has this funny sense of humor and brings so much laughter to our family. He is always dancing funny, laughing at himself, cracking jokes, and making funny faces . He has learned to use these tools when he is being punished because he knows Josh and I start laughing. Ashton is also very sweet and loving and is always ready to give a hug to those in need.

Brennan has been such a joy...but I have a feeling he is going to be a very busy boy! He gets into EVERYTHING. It is the first time that I have actually had to use child locks on doors and cabinets. He is a good eater except for the fact that he wont touch veggies or anything healthy. He is such a happy little boy though. He is beginning to walk some but likes crawling more because he can get from here to there a lot faster!

Josh is doing good and is staying busy at Purina as they are in the middle of their busy season. He is still hoping for a different job, one where he can actually use his degree. As of January he is no longer stuck at Purina and he will begin looking into other companies for other jobs. We are just praying the God will direct us to a job which will be stable and with no risk of being let go, even if that means staying at Purina in the same job and crappy shift. If this is God's answer I pray that Josh and I become content with Josh's job and schedule.

I am just enjoying the 4 guys in my life and feeling blessed for the family that God has given me. I just recently had my gallbladder removed and was reminded of my families love by all the love and care they gave to me while I was recovering. I am so grateful for my wonderful husband who loves the Lord, and works hard to support me and the boys. He is such a blessing to me.

We are excited to see what the new year will bring and we look forward to seeing where God will lead us.

Some answers for Brennan and frustrations AGAIN!!!

We got a call from Brennan's Dr the other day letting us know that she received his test results. He had quit a few areas where his numbers where either too high or too low. They said that they feel it is due to his fever and dehydration. One of the numbers which was higher then normal was his white blood cell count. Once the doctor told me all the numbers, I asked if she was concerned. There was a long pause and she said yes we are concerned with the numbers and that they are going to keep a close eye on Brennan as well as most likely testing him again. We go back in on Monday to weigh him again and to determine where we go now...If he is not gaining weight then they will send him to a GI specialist as well as send him to get some more tests done. I am hoping to get some more definite answers on Monday so that I can find peace and not have to worry about Brennan.

Now to the frustrations!!!! There is a job at Purina which was the reason Josh even started school 4 years ago. We have been waiting and waiting and waiting for them to post it. They usually post it every year in Aug (it is an internship)...it is still not posted so Josh talked with the HR lady at his work. Well he heard back from her today and they only offered that job to people in house and they had already hired the people for that position. We are so frustrated that Josh wasn't even given the opportunity to get the job...now we feel stuck and see no end to the night shift or his current job. We are so mad with Purina and frustrated that they are not even willing to help Josh in moving up especially since they put over $30 thousand into Josh's schooling. At least we got the schooling out of them...but it seems like the 5 years he has been at Purina is down the drain!

More patience!!

I have decided that I am NOT a patient person...yet I keep praying for patience and God keeps giving it to me or testing my patience. Once again I am being tested and I always think it is the hardest when your kids are involved. Brennan has been sick off and on for 1 1/2 months now with: fever, not eating, not drinking, throwing up, diarrhea, sleeping all the time, cranky, screaming in pain, not peeing, losing weight, and just acting different then his normal self. We have taken him to the Dr a few times and nothing, well we took him in again today and they decided after him losing another pound in 2 weeks that it is time to run tests. So they attempted to give him a catheter which he HATED. I had to use ALL my weight in order to hold him down, he is a strong little boy. Well the catheter didn't work because he had NO urine in his bladder so they had to bag him so that I could collect his urine. He ended up not peeing for over 8 hours, it was pretty scary for me, but he finally did it. Now I have to collect his bowel movements which is NOT going to be fun. They also drew lots of blood in order to do lots of tests on him. They are testing from bladder infections, to cancer which is a scary thought for me. The poor guy did pretty good getting his blood drawn it did take three of us though, me holding him as tight as I could, a nurse to hold his arm straight, and the nurse to draw the blood. I felt so bad for him though because you could tell that it hurt, and he screamed the entire time. Anyways.....most of the testing is over and now it is a waiting game. God is giving me strength though and helping me to not worry about the unknown. It is the first time ever for me not freaking out and I know that God is giving me this peace and will help us through anything that is going on with my little man. I know that my littlest man is in God's hands and that God has his hand on anything that maybe going on with my little boy.