God is Good

GOD IS GOOD!!!

I went into my appointment today and was completely shocked, excited, sad, and happy all in a matter of seconds! I was shocked and excited to find out that the piece of placenta was gone and that I no longer needed surgery! I was sad because I feel empty, and sad that I will not be holding my baby (until God decides its my time to go home! =)). I feel happy that the miscarriage is over and that God answered my prayer by allowing it to happen naturally! I love when you can see miracles unfold in front of your eyes, it is such a reminder that God is with you in the good times and the bad! I feel I can finally move on and continue with the healing and mourning process. When I left my doctors I felt happy for the first time in weeks.

I thank God for providing me with great family and friends who have helped me through this storm in my life, without them I couldn't continue on.

“We have suffered, but we have survived; We are hurting, but we are enduring.” -Ben Van Vechten

In the midst of a storm

It has been almost a month since I found out that our baby was gone! It has been a hard month full of struggles, emotions, heartache, and fear! I am so ready for this storm to pass. I have had multiple trips (6 to be exact not counting tomorrows appointment) to the doctor since I found out the baby was gone. It is always hard going to the gyno's when all you want is to be pregnant and you are surrounded by happy, pregnant women. I just want to scream every-time I go in there. I am praying that tomorrow is the last time I have to go for awhile. Tomorrow I find out if I will be having a D&C due to a piece of placenta being stuck. It will be an absolute miracle if I don't have to have surgery and I am not expecting to hear that because the only way that will happen is if a miracle happened! I am still praying for that miracle so that I don't have to have surgery...but I am okay if I have to have surgery, mainly due to the fact that I have been going through this for so long and I feel as though I can't fully mourn until the miscarriage is complete. As of now I have surgery scheduled for Thursday because my dr said if the miscarriage is not complete I am prone to infection and I would have to do surgery immediately!

Through the stress of the miscarriage and emotions/hormones going crazy, our family has really become a closer unit! It has been hard but I love the tenderness and love shown from my 4 boys (Josh and the 3 boys). It has shown me that with each other and God's love we can make it through storms together!

God has a reason for allowing things to happen. We may never understand his wisdom, but we simply have to trust his will.

Beyond frustrated

I am so frustrated. I just went to my doctors this morning and I miscarried the sac/baby but still have a big clot associated with everything! I am so mad....I really wanted to do all this natural and I am frustrated that it has been almost 2 weeks and I still have not miscarried everything! I have to start taking the meds today to attempt to get rid of everything...but if that doesn't work then I will have to go in for a D&C. I am so upset. This has just made everything even worse. I finally felt like I was able to get over everything and move on...then this happens and I have all the same emotions all over again. It is so hard and I just want to sit and cry! I don't understand why it takes so long to miscarry and why it is so difficult to get everything out. It makes the mourning and everything that much harder because the trial keeps continuing on. I know that I will never know why God aloud for this to happen and why it has been such a struggle to actually miscarry, but I am continuing to give it to God and trusting that he still has me in his hands even through everything is such a mess. I am praying that God will help me through this trial!

Feeling alone!

"God I would have loved to hold my baby on my lap and teach them about you, but since I never got that chance will you hold my baby on your Lap and teach them about me"

Life after loss

Wow it has been awhile since I have posted on here and it seems like the only time I post is when I just need to get out my feelings and this is the only way!

Josh and I found out around Oct 10th that we would be expecting our 4th baby! At first I was not too excited because I had just become content with only having our 3 boys. It took a couple weeks but I started to get really excited. I was feeling morning sickness and everything seemed to be on track. Then a couple weeks later I started cramping really bad which I was told is normal once you have had children before...but my dr decided to do an ultrasound just to make sure. So we went in on Nov 1st. At that point I should have been at least 7 weeks pregnant and I was sure it was closer to 9 weeks along. The ultrasound tech found the baby but it was only measuring 5 weeks and 1 day. So the dr and ultrasound tech decided that they would give me another week because sometimes babies grow differently or my dates could be off. So they sent me on my way and told me that they didn't really know what to expect and that it could go either way. So we scheduled an appointment for Nov 7th. The whole week I was anxious and freaking out because I did not want to lose this baby! Finally on Saturday, I was filled with peace and I just knew that everything was going to be okay and that God was holding me and that everything would be fine! So Monday came and I was calm and excited to see the miracle that would happen before my eyes. We went in and the ultrasound tech began doing the ultrasound and the sac was there but the baby was gone. All I heard was "I am so sorry". So we got dressed went out to the FULL waiting room and had to wait to get called back to see our Dr. It was awful not only was I in a full waiting room but surrounded by pregnant women, or women with new babies. I felt all eyes on me as I had tears running down my face. They finally called us back to a room and we waited and waited for what seemed like forever! Finally my dr came in and said, "I am so sorry you guys." She let us know we had a blighted ovum, which basically means that the baby could not develop past 6 weeks and that it eventually dissolves into the sac. She said that in this type of pregnancy their are chromosome issues which cause it not to fully develop. As of that ultrasound the baby was not in the sac and the sac had stopped growing. The dr let me know of my options, and so Josh and I decided to try natural and then go with the pills at the end of the week, which would help in causing miscarriage. After we left we prayed and prayed over our loss and our baby who is now in Heaven. We prayed that God would have me miscarry on my own and that I wouldn't have to take the pills! That night God answered my prayer by allowing me to start miscarrying on my own. Josh and I are heartbroken over our loss and pray that God will continue to hold our family close as we deal with the loss of this precious baby!

Life

Josh has officially applied to a couple positions at Gore so now we are waiting and praying. We are also thinking through the idea of Josh switching to 3rd shift (11pm-7am). We know this would be an ideal shift (of course nothing like first but we can't do anything about that) so that Josh can see the boys. I am really struggling with this because I know it would be even harder on our marriage as well as a struggle for me with having completely different schedules. I am praying that something will happen soon.

On a good note Kaden has really seemed to improve in school and it seems as if his glasses are really beneficial to him and that they really are helping him. I had my sister-in-law Kristin test him some since she is a first grade teacher and she believes that he will do fine next year. I am relieved and finally feel like there is nothing wrong with him besides poor eye sight. I still have to wonder if there is something more going on with his eyes and I am continually trying to give it to God. We have decided that next time we need to go to an eye doctor that we will take him to Phoenix to a children's specialist. I think that it is time to get to the bottom of it and determine if there is an underlying issue such as macula dystrophy (which was ruled out last year by a specialist).

Ashton is doing great and excelling in school. He is doing so good that we have decided to put him in Kindergarten next year. Brennan is doing good but is such a handful! He is very active and keeps himself busy all day long.

I am truly enjoying my boys!

APPLY APPLY APPLY

Well Josh had his interview and he was offered a job...but he turned it down. There was going to be way to much traveling involved. Josh would be gone 50-75% of the time. It would have been a great opportunity going to Europe, Asia, and everywhere else you can think of. We would see Josh less then we see him now. Josh said he didn't want to miss everything with the kids and that he felt that this would not be for him. I am relieved yet sad at the same time. He was told by the company to keep checking the web site and that they have lots of management positions that are coming up closer to summer. So we will see. Josh is currently in the process of applying to Gore (luckily we know some people high up, so that should help) and Purina (although all these will be out of state). We hope that something will show up and that God would really show us where we should be and what Josh should be doing. So for now Josh is busy preparing resumes, and cover letters and I am busy proof reading! =-)