Eyes and a possible different Job

Next week on Thursday, Kaden and I will be heading down to the valley for another eye appointment. We will be finding out if there is any permanent damage done to Kaden's eyes. We are praying that we will find out good news but we are hopeful that everything will be perfect, as perfect as it can be anyways! So far it appears that his glasses are better for him and I am hopeful that the Dr will agree! Since getting his new glasses Kaden has started doing amazing in school, he is finally reading and seems to see so much better. I still have a hard time with the fact that he has such poor eyesight but hopefully we can get things under control with his eyes.

Josh recently applied for a new job...one where he would work days. We are supposed to hear back from them next week of if he got the job or not. We are really praying that he will so he can be home with us at night. We are trusting that God will really direct us and if this is not the right job that God will guide us to the next step and hopefully a new job!

Grieving...

Life has been slowly moving on! I still feel an incredible loss which is so hard to explain! It has been an emotional couple of months and I am so glad to have God, a wonderful family, and great friends to help me through this journey! Yesterday I received a devotional from a good friend called "Grieving the Child I Never Knew," by Kathe Wunnenberg. So far it has been a huge encouragement and has really helped me in realizing that my thoughts and feelings are normal for a woman who has just had a miscarriage. Today while I was reading the book, I came to a letter that the author wrote for her children that she will never get to know, this letter describes how I feel completely so I wanted to share it. This letter was from Kathe Wunnenberg, in her book "Grieving the Child I never Knew"

Dear Precious one,

For those few weeks I had you to myself my life was changed profoundly
You were hidden beneath my heart and my love for you grew in it.
You came to trust me with your life. Oh, what a life I had planned for you!
When I lost you, I lost a lifetime of hopes, plans, dreams, and aspirations. Part of my future simply vanished overnight. There wasn't enough time to convince others how special and important you were. You are gone, but others aren't mourning your passing.
They tell me that no normal person would cry all night over a tiny, unfinished baby, or get depressed and withdraw day after day. No one else would, so why am I?
You were there just those few weeks, my little one. You darted in and out of my life to quickly, but it seems that's all the time you needed to leave your signature on my heart and give me a small glimpse of eternity.

Love, Mommy

I am so grateful to have found ways that I can grieve and get help grieving my baby! I am so thankful that God has shown me ways to help me and that I can truly see God helping me through this trial!

Merry Christmas!

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!

life goes on...

"Some say you are too painful to remember, I say you are too PRECIOUS to forget!"

It is so hard for life to continue on...I feel like I am stuck in this nightmare which is NEVER ending. Many people say I should be over it and how can I still be hurting because I was "not that pregnant." I think that I once believed that, until I went through this storm myself. People wonder why I am still grieving over my loss and they assume that everything is fine, because the miscarriage part is over, but I don't think there will ever be a day that I won't grieve over my precious baby! My grandma was recently in town and provided me with a lot of comfort and strength. My grandma lost my grandpa last year and she really helped me in realizing that it is okay to grieve even when people think I should be healed. She told me even when I am healed that I will still grieve and it is normal and okay! I am so thankful for my grandma and her encouraging words, prayers, and wisdom. I know that having a miscarriage is nothing compared to losing your spouse of 60 years, but I am thankful for her helpful words. I found a couple quotes that I just loved about grief!

"Grief is like an earthquake. The first one hits you and the world falls apart. Even after you put the world together again there are aftershocks, and you never really know when those will come." Lynne B. Hughes.

"Grief lasts longer than sympathy, which is one of the tragedies of the grieving.” ~Unknown~

This has been one of the hardest things I have ever gone through and I still feel so empty and alone. I know I am not alone but it often feels this way. God has truly blessed me and showed me his presence through having my miscarriage naturally after weeks of prayer. He has also blessed me through providing me with a GREAT group of women who are all going through the same thing as me. I have felt so much comfort with these ladies and I am so thankful that I met them, so we can comfort and help each other through these difficult times.

ON ANOTHER NOTE:

My hubby has an interview on Monday for a DAY job! We are praying that God would send us and the company clear guidance and that he would direct us to where we need to be. We are praying that he would get this job so he can FINALLY be with us at night but if not that we will be content with his current job!

God is Good

GOD IS GOOD!!!

I went into my appointment today and was completely shocked, excited, sad, and happy all in a matter of seconds! I was shocked and excited to find out that the piece of placenta was gone and that I no longer needed surgery! I was sad because I feel empty, and sad that I will not be holding my baby (until God decides its my time to go home! =)). I feel happy that the miscarriage is over and that God answered my prayer by allowing it to happen naturally! I love when you can see miracles unfold in front of your eyes, it is such a reminder that God is with you in the good times and the bad! I feel I can finally move on and continue with the healing and mourning process. When I left my doctors I felt happy for the first time in weeks.

I thank God for providing me with great family and friends who have helped me through this storm in my life, without them I couldn't continue on.

“We have suffered, but we have survived; We are hurting, but we are enduring.” -Ben Van Vechten

In the midst of a storm

It has been almost a month since I found out that our baby was gone! It has been a hard month full of struggles, emotions, heartache, and fear! I am so ready for this storm to pass. I have had multiple trips (6 to be exact not counting tomorrows appointment) to the doctor since I found out the baby was gone. It is always hard going to the gyno's when all you want is to be pregnant and you are surrounded by happy, pregnant women. I just want to scream every-time I go in there. I am praying that tomorrow is the last time I have to go for awhile. Tomorrow I find out if I will be having a D&C due to a piece of placenta being stuck. It will be an absolute miracle if I don't have to have surgery and I am not expecting to hear that because the only way that will happen is if a miracle happened! I am still praying for that miracle so that I don't have to have surgery...but I am okay if I have to have surgery, mainly due to the fact that I have been going through this for so long and I feel as though I can't fully mourn until the miscarriage is complete. As of now I have surgery scheduled for Thursday because my dr said if the miscarriage is not complete I am prone to infection and I would have to do surgery immediately!

Through the stress of the miscarriage and emotions/hormones going crazy, our family has really become a closer unit! It has been hard but I love the tenderness and love shown from my 4 boys (Josh and the 3 boys). It has shown me that with each other and God's love we can make it through storms together!

God has a reason for allowing things to happen. We may never understand his wisdom, but we simply have to trust his will.

Beyond frustrated

I am so frustrated. I just went to my doctors this morning and I miscarried the sac/baby but still have a big clot associated with everything! I am so mad....I really wanted to do all this natural and I am frustrated that it has been almost 2 weeks and I still have not miscarried everything! I have to start taking the meds today to attempt to get rid of everything...but if that doesn't work then I will have to go in for a D&C. I am so upset. This has just made everything even worse. I finally felt like I was able to get over everything and move on...then this happens and I have all the same emotions all over again. It is so hard and I just want to sit and cry! I don't understand why it takes so long to miscarry and why it is so difficult to get everything out. It makes the mourning and everything that much harder because the trial keeps continuing on. I know that I will never know why God aloud for this to happen and why it has been such a struggle to actually miscarry, but I am continuing to give it to God and trusting that he still has me in his hands even through everything is such a mess. I am praying that God will help me through this trial!