Eyes and a possible different Job

Next week on Thursday, Kaden and I will be heading down to the valley for another eye appointment. We will be finding out if there is any permanent damage done to Kaden's eyes. We are praying that we will find out good news but we are hopeful that everything will be perfect, as perfect as it can be anyways! So far it appears that his glasses are better for him and I am hopeful that the Dr will agree! Since getting his new glasses Kaden has started doing amazing in school, he is finally reading and seems to see so much better. I still have a hard time with the fact that he has such poor eyesight but hopefully we can get things under control with his eyes.

Josh recently applied for a new job...one where he would work days. We are supposed to hear back from them next week of if he got the job or not. We are really praying that he will so he can be home with us at night. We are trusting that God will really direct us and if this is not the right job that God will guide us to the next step and hopefully a new job!

Grieving...

Life has been slowly moving on! I still feel an incredible loss which is so hard to explain! It has been an emotional couple of months and I am so glad to have God, a wonderful family, and great friends to help me through this journey! Yesterday I received a devotional from a good friend called "Grieving the Child I Never Knew," by Kathe Wunnenberg. So far it has been a huge encouragement and has really helped me in realizing that my thoughts and feelings are normal for a woman who has just had a miscarriage. Today while I was reading the book, I came to a letter that the author wrote for her children that she will never get to know, this letter describes how I feel completely so I wanted to share it. This letter was from Kathe Wunnenberg, in her book "Grieving the Child I never Knew"

Dear Precious one,

For those few weeks I had you to myself my life was changed profoundly
You were hidden beneath my heart and my love for you grew in it.
You came to trust me with your life. Oh, what a life I had planned for you!
When I lost you, I lost a lifetime of hopes, plans, dreams, and aspirations. Part of my future simply vanished overnight. There wasn't enough time to convince others how special and important you were. You are gone, but others aren't mourning your passing.
They tell me that no normal person would cry all night over a tiny, unfinished baby, or get depressed and withdraw day after day. No one else would, so why am I?
You were there just those few weeks, my little one. You darted in and out of my life to quickly, but it seems that's all the time you needed to leave your signature on my heart and give me a small glimpse of eternity.

Love, Mommy

I am so grateful to have found ways that I can grieve and get help grieving my baby! I am so thankful that God has shown me ways to help me and that I can truly see God helping me through this trial!

Merry Christmas!

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!

life goes on...

"Some say you are too painful to remember, I say you are too PRECIOUS to forget!"

It is so hard for life to continue on...I feel like I am stuck in this nightmare which is NEVER ending. Many people say I should be over it and how can I still be hurting because I was "not that pregnant." I think that I once believed that, until I went through this storm myself. People wonder why I am still grieving over my loss and they assume that everything is fine, because the miscarriage part is over, but I don't think there will ever be a day that I won't grieve over my precious baby! My grandma was recently in town and provided me with a lot of comfort and strength. My grandma lost my grandpa last year and she really helped me in realizing that it is okay to grieve even when people think I should be healed. She told me even when I am healed that I will still grieve and it is normal and okay! I am so thankful for my grandma and her encouraging words, prayers, and wisdom. I know that having a miscarriage is nothing compared to losing your spouse of 60 years, but I am thankful for her helpful words. I found a couple quotes that I just loved about grief!

"Grief is like an earthquake. The first one hits you and the world falls apart. Even after you put the world together again there are aftershocks, and you never really know when those will come." Lynne B. Hughes.

"Grief lasts longer than sympathy, which is one of the tragedies of the grieving.” ~Unknown~

This has been one of the hardest things I have ever gone through and I still feel so empty and alone. I know I am not alone but it often feels this way. God has truly blessed me and showed me his presence through having my miscarriage naturally after weeks of prayer. He has also blessed me through providing me with a GREAT group of women who are all going through the same thing as me. I have felt so much comfort with these ladies and I am so thankful that I met them, so we can comfort and help each other through these difficult times.

ON ANOTHER NOTE:

My hubby has an interview on Monday for a DAY job! We are praying that God would send us and the company clear guidance and that he would direct us to where we need to be. We are praying that he would get this job so he can FINALLY be with us at night but if not that we will be content with his current job!

God is Good

GOD IS GOOD!!!

I went into my appointment today and was completely shocked, excited, sad, and happy all in a matter of seconds! I was shocked and excited to find out that the piece of placenta was gone and that I no longer needed surgery! I was sad because I feel empty, and sad that I will not be holding my baby (until God decides its my time to go home! =)). I feel happy that the miscarriage is over and that God answered my prayer by allowing it to happen naturally! I love when you can see miracles unfold in front of your eyes, it is such a reminder that God is with you in the good times and the bad! I feel I can finally move on and continue with the healing and mourning process. When I left my doctors I felt happy for the first time in weeks.

I thank God for providing me with great family and friends who have helped me through this storm in my life, without them I couldn't continue on.

“We have suffered, but we have survived; We are hurting, but we are enduring.” -Ben Van Vechten

In the midst of a storm

It has been almost a month since I found out that our baby was gone! It has been a hard month full of struggles, emotions, heartache, and fear! I am so ready for this storm to pass. I have had multiple trips (6 to be exact not counting tomorrows appointment) to the doctor since I found out the baby was gone. It is always hard going to the gyno's when all you want is to be pregnant and you are surrounded by happy, pregnant women. I just want to scream every-time I go in there. I am praying that tomorrow is the last time I have to go for awhile. Tomorrow I find out if I will be having a D&C due to a piece of placenta being stuck. It will be an absolute miracle if I don't have to have surgery and I am not expecting to hear that because the only way that will happen is if a miracle happened! I am still praying for that miracle so that I don't have to have surgery...but I am okay if I have to have surgery, mainly due to the fact that I have been going through this for so long and I feel as though I can't fully mourn until the miscarriage is complete. As of now I have surgery scheduled for Thursday because my dr said if the miscarriage is not complete I am prone to infection and I would have to do surgery immediately!

Through the stress of the miscarriage and emotions/hormones going crazy, our family has really become a closer unit! It has been hard but I love the tenderness and love shown from my 4 boys (Josh and the 3 boys). It has shown me that with each other and God's love we can make it through storms together!

God has a reason for allowing things to happen. We may never understand his wisdom, but we simply have to trust his will.

Beyond frustrated

I am so frustrated. I just went to my doctors this morning and I miscarried the sac/baby but still have a big clot associated with everything! I am so mad....I really wanted to do all this natural and I am frustrated that it has been almost 2 weeks and I still have not miscarried everything! I have to start taking the meds today to attempt to get rid of everything...but if that doesn't work then I will have to go in for a D&C. I am so upset. This has just made everything even worse. I finally felt like I was able to get over everything and move on...then this happens and I have all the same emotions all over again. It is so hard and I just want to sit and cry! I don't understand why it takes so long to miscarry and why it is so difficult to get everything out. It makes the mourning and everything that much harder because the trial keeps continuing on. I know that I will never know why God aloud for this to happen and why it has been such a struggle to actually miscarry, but I am continuing to give it to God and trusting that he still has me in his hands even through everything is such a mess. I am praying that God will help me through this trial!

Feeling alone!

"God I would have loved to hold my baby on my lap and teach them about you, but since I never got that chance will you hold my baby on your Lap and teach them about me"

Life after loss

Wow it has been awhile since I have posted on here and it seems like the only time I post is when I just need to get out my feelings and this is the only way!

Josh and I found out around Oct 10th that we would be expecting our 4th baby! At first I was not too excited because I had just become content with only having our 3 boys. It took a couple weeks but I started to get really excited. I was feeling morning sickness and everything seemed to be on track. Then a couple weeks later I started cramping really bad which I was told is normal once you have had children before...but my dr decided to do an ultrasound just to make sure. So we went in on Nov 1st. At that point I should have been at least 7 weeks pregnant and I was sure it was closer to 9 weeks along. The ultrasound tech found the baby but it was only measuring 5 weeks and 1 day. So the dr and ultrasound tech decided that they would give me another week because sometimes babies grow differently or my dates could be off. So they sent me on my way and told me that they didn't really know what to expect and that it could go either way. So we scheduled an appointment for Nov 7th. The whole week I was anxious and freaking out because I did not want to lose this baby! Finally on Saturday, I was filled with peace and I just knew that everything was going to be okay and that God was holding me and that everything would be fine! So Monday came and I was calm and excited to see the miracle that would happen before my eyes. We went in and the ultrasound tech began doing the ultrasound and the sac was there but the baby was gone. All I heard was "I am so sorry". So we got dressed went out to the FULL waiting room and had to wait to get called back to see our Dr. It was awful not only was I in a full waiting room but surrounded by pregnant women, or women with new babies. I felt all eyes on me as I had tears running down my face. They finally called us back to a room and we waited and waited for what seemed like forever! Finally my dr came in and said, "I am so sorry you guys." She let us know we had a blighted ovum, which basically means that the baby could not develop past 6 weeks and that it eventually dissolves into the sac. She said that in this type of pregnancy their are chromosome issues which cause it not to fully develop. As of that ultrasound the baby was not in the sac and the sac had stopped growing. The dr let me know of my options, and so Josh and I decided to try natural and then go with the pills at the end of the week, which would help in causing miscarriage. After we left we prayed and prayed over our loss and our baby who is now in Heaven. We prayed that God would have me miscarry on my own and that I wouldn't have to take the pills! That night God answered my prayer by allowing me to start miscarrying on my own. Josh and I are heartbroken over our loss and pray that God will continue to hold our family close as we deal with the loss of this precious baby!

Life

Josh has officially applied to a couple positions at Gore so now we are waiting and praying. We are also thinking through the idea of Josh switching to 3rd shift (11pm-7am). We know this would be an ideal shift (of course nothing like first but we can't do anything about that) so that Josh can see the boys. I am really struggling with this because I know it would be even harder on our marriage as well as a struggle for me with having completely different schedules. I am praying that something will happen soon.

On a good note Kaden has really seemed to improve in school and it seems as if his glasses are really beneficial to him and that they really are helping him. I had my sister-in-law Kristin test him some since she is a first grade teacher and she believes that he will do fine next year. I am relieved and finally feel like there is nothing wrong with him besides poor eye sight. I still have to wonder if there is something more going on with his eyes and I am continually trying to give it to God. We have decided that next time we need to go to an eye doctor that we will take him to Phoenix to a children's specialist. I think that it is time to get to the bottom of it and determine if there is an underlying issue such as macula dystrophy (which was ruled out last year by a specialist).

Ashton is doing great and excelling in school. He is doing so good that we have decided to put him in Kindergarten next year. Brennan is doing good but is such a handful! He is very active and keeps himself busy all day long.

I am truly enjoying my boys!

APPLY APPLY APPLY

Well Josh had his interview and he was offered a job...but he turned it down. There was going to be way to much traveling involved. Josh would be gone 50-75% of the time. It would have been a great opportunity going to Europe, Asia, and everywhere else you can think of. We would see Josh less then we see him now. Josh said he didn't want to miss everything with the kids and that he felt that this would not be for him. I am relieved yet sad at the same time. He was told by the company to keep checking the web site and that they have lots of management positions that are coming up closer to summer. So we will see. Josh is currently in the process of applying to Gore (luckily we know some people high up, so that should help) and Purina (although all these will be out of state). We hope that something will show up and that God would really show us where we should be and what Josh should be doing. So for now Josh is busy preparing resumes, and cover letters and I am busy proof reading! =-)

Challenges

Along with the exciting post of possible changes yesterday come challenges that I feel. I think my biggest struggle is Kaden. I know that it was the best thing ever to hold Kaden back and that getting glasses for him has brought him back to where he should be. I am grateful for that and the fact that the only problem was his glasses. Thank the Lord it was nothing more. I still struggle with his poor eyesight and pray it doesn't get worse but I am grateful that poor eyesight is all it appears to be! =)

I have recently found that EVERYTHING revolves around a child's grade in school (cub scouts, AWANAS, Sunday school, certain sports...everything) This has been hard for me because most of his friends continued on grade wise while we held Kaden back. So now that means his closest friends are a grade ahead of him so they are no longer in any groups anymore. This has been a huge struggle for me and for Kaden. He doesn't understand why his friends who are the same age and some younger are in older classes. It hurts me and I know it hurts him. I don't know how to deal with it or what to say anymore. I am hurting with him. After finally realizing this the other day, it made me realize that this is why I would not mind moving away from Flagstaff, that way Kaden can start over with friends who don't know he was held back. To me it seems like that will be easier for Kaden and for me. I know that this is no reason to move but it is VERY appealing! =)

We are still praying about Josh's job and where it will lead us. Josh has an interview tomorrow at one company and a meeting at his current job so we will see where this leads. Josh is also applying for a couple positions within Gore tomorrow. So it is exciting to see if any of these jobs lead anywhere. We are also going to begin the process of seeing if there is anything in Purina even if it is not in AZ. We are hoping to find something here but we will see where God directs us! =)

Possible changes???

Just as I get frustrated with Josh's job, God shows us that he is here. We have been praying for years about Josh's job for years. God has told us NO several times and has taught us to be patient. We have recently started searching for other companies or other positions within Purina. Just last week I was talking with some people about a newer company which is expanding and was suggested by two people to contact them. I contacted them on Friday and was contacted on Sat for a pre-interview. Josh went in today for the pre-interview and was told that if he was interested that they would find a job for him. They told him about a few positions available but the owner highly suggested a few that he felt would really help Josh in being able to move up within the company. As soon as the pre-interview was done the own scheduled another interview for Wed in order to go over some logistics with the job and discuss the different jobs more as well as seeing what Josh is thinking. It sounds VERY promising but Josh and I are trying to determine if this is what God wants for us.

Today after Josh finished his interview he received information on another job, which he was informed about back in September. So this coming Wed not only does he have an interview for this other job but he also has a meeting for the second job. It is just exciting to see this because we can see God at work. We know that God might say no about both of these jobs but it has helped us just by seeing that God really does care and that he has our best interest at heart. We are excited to see if anything happens out of these meetings/ interviews. If anything we at least know that Josh will get practice in interviewing! =)

frustrations

I know it seems as though whenever I post it is because I am going through some trial. I think that I have found that writing helps me in dealing with all of life's little trials. =-)

I am really having a hard time with Josh's job right now...with Kaden going into first grade and Ashton going into Kindergarten I know that if Josh has the same job, that they will never see each other. Josh and I have really been praying about what to do and have decided to begin the search of another job in another company. This is tough especially since their are not many jobs out there and any jobs which are out there are highly sought after. We had hoped to stay in Purina, but have come to the realization that they don't really care to help employees move up within the company even though they paid for his education. =-) At least Josh got a degree from them. We are hoping for God's direction in what we should do and where to go. I also want patience as my patience is growing thin and I am getting more and more frustrated as time goes on.

Fears

I don't know why it is easier for me to type things then to talk...but oh well. We are still dealing with the same stuff with Kaden's eyes although it does appear that the glasses seem to help most of the time...but then there are times when he says the glasses make his eyes blurry so I feel that we have not gone anywhere with his eyes and I am SO frustrated. I just want closure and to be able to help Kaden. I know I am also concerned about him being teased with wearing glasses and that scares me. I just want to protect my baby, and it is hard for me seeing my six year old having to wear glasses with a prescription that I can't even see through because it is so strong.

Then there is Kaden's schooling. We held him back last year and had him repeat Kindergarten but he is still not at the level that he should be and it scares me. His teacher had wanted to do testing for a learning disability but after him getting his classes the teacher has seen improvements so she no longer wants to test. I am still trying to push for it because I still think there is something going on. I know as a parent, that I always have the worst thoughts and fears about stuff with my kids, but I keep thinking what if I am not wrong, what if there is something more going on. It has been hard for me to tell the teacher I still want the testing and that I think she is wrong. I just keep asking God for wisdom on if I need to continue pushing or give in and trust the teacher.

LIFE

I just finished reading the book "Choosing to See" and I am amazed at how much I learned from this book. I may not have had a tragedy such as the Chapman family but seeing their faith and hearing their story has helped me in seeing my issue in a new light. My main issue is Josh's job and Kaden's eyes...none of which compare to losing a child, but with reading this book I have realized that even when it feels as though I am alone and that God doesn't care that he really does. I may not see his hand in every aspect of my life...but he is there in everything big and small. I may not get the answers to my questions when I want them or the way I want them...but God is always answering my prayers. In the book, Mary Beth Chapman talks about begging God for her daughter to be alive and well, then she later on goes on saying that she doesn't like the answer she got but that God did answer her and her daughter is alive and well in Heaven with him and that he is taking care of her. I think too many times we think our prayers are not answered because we didn't get what we wanted but in the end God will ALWAYS answer our prayers...but in His own way and in His timing. This book has really aloud me to see God for who he is as well as seeing Him as being in charge of EVERYTHING. It has helped me in dealing with Josh's job as well as the uncertainties of Kaden's eyes. I have learned that getting upset about Josh's job or Kaden's eyes wont help anything and that I just need to give it to God and patiently wait on God's PERFECT timing. God is so GOOD!

Choosing to see

I am not normally a big reader but I recently started reading a book that my mom passed on to me called "Choosing to See" by Mary Beth Chapman. I can't put the book down. Mary Beth Chapman is such an amazing woman who has dealt with many struggles as well as the death of her little girl. Her book has really caused me to look at my life as well as looking at my relationship with God. It has helped me in putting my trust in God even when things don't seem to be going the way I think or feel that they should. This book has helped me in being able to see God's love in everything big or small.

This book has also put thoughts of adoption back in my head. Josh and I have occasionally talked about this but through reading this book it has put the desire back in my heart. One funny thing is of course I really want a girl but with thinking about this...I think I would be okay with a little boy. This is something I never thought I would even think about especially after having 3 boys!! Josh and I would like to start getting more information on the process as we pray over this issue. We know at this point that we can not afford it...but we also know that if it is God's will God will direct us and provide for it. We have decided to really pray over this in order to know which way God is leading.