I Can Only Imagine (with lyrics) - MercyMe

This song played at my moms funeral. She always loved this song and my mom and I had MANY talks about what we thought we would do when we were standing before God. My mom always thought she would fall to her knees in awe of the Lord. She always said she wasn't scared of death she was scared to leave all of us but she couldn't wait to be home with Her savior and Lord. She looked forward to the day that she could see again perfectly without seeing double, that her legs wouldn't give out, and that she was no longer in pain. Even though I wasn't ready, my dad wasn't ready, my brothers our spouses and our kids were not ready, we know for a doubt our mom (wife/grandma/mother-in-law) is in the arms of Jesus. My moms faith was present and she loved the Lord our God with all her heart, soul, and mind. I know that one day I will see my mom again!

Worst day in my life!

The day that mom passed still haunts me. It was the worst day in my entire life and has been a nightmare that I have relived over and over for the past couple months. Friday, Feb 6th, 2015 started like every normal day, I called my mom first thing when I woke up to talk with her and check on her, she had a cold but said she was doing good. She was going to watch my kids that night while I went out for a girls night for a friends birthday. I told my mom I would come over a little early so I could see her some, then said I love you and hung up. I later called her again around 3:30 to make sure she was still good to have my kids, she said "yep I am working on dinner now and am looking forward to playing with your kids." I said are you sure and she said "Ya, I have an annoying little cough but am feeling good."

Around 5 the kids and I left to go to my parents house, I almost got there and my dad called and said my mom had fallen (due to MS) and her oxygen was low so they decided to go to urgent care to get it checked out. I said ok no problem and headed back home. About 15 min after that phone call my dad called again and said we didn't make it to the hospital but that he was calling for an ambulance and he would keep me posted. He then called back about 8 min later and said they are working on your mom. My neighbor was home and came over to be with my kids, while I called my husband and told him to leave work. I then called my best friend to say I wasn't coming to the party, and she said she was coming with me. So she met me at my brothers store, because I was under the impression my mom was either on her way to the hospital or in the ambulance headed there, my brother had the impression that they were working on our mom on the side of the road close to their house. So I sent my husband to my parents house, and we waited for a phone call. After 30 min of not hearing anything we decided to head towards my parents house. My best friend drove me there which was good because I was a wreck. The entire car ride we tried calling my dad, husband, and ER to try to locate my mom. I kept telling my friend that I knew my mom was gone because someone would have called me. My friend kept telling me to stop thinking that way and to think positive, but I knew.

We got to my parents road (they live on a dirt road), and I saw all these lights (ambulances, fire trucks, police cars...so many cars). There was no ambulance so I got a glimpse of hope that it had taken off with my mom and was at the hospital or on its way there.  Then I saw it...I saw a mound on the ground with a white sheet over it and I knew, I knew without a doubt that my mommy was dead. I started screaming even before my friend stopped the car and I started saying NOOOO that is my mom....no. I came out of the car screaming, calling for my mom and saying no that is my mom...please God no. My dad, husband, and brother came over and we all were crying together. I remember feeling as though I had no strength in my legs, but I remember my husband holding me and keeping me up off the ground. I felt so weak, all I could do was scream, cry, and stare at my mom who was laying on the ground under the sheet. It was the absolute WORST sight and time in my life ever!

I miss my mom so much, I miss her advice, her wisdom, her hugs, and love. She meant the world to me and she is so missed by everyone she knew. I know my mom was in pain for so much of her life and I know she is now walking perfect, seeing perfect, and in absolutely NO pain; but I need my mom I wasn't ready for her to leave me. I never got to say goodbye!

 

I love you mommy! You were the best mom a girl could ask for, not only did you love me but you loved my husband and our kids unconditionally. You are so missed mom!

Its been a long time...

Life Changes
Wow life has really changed since I last posted! For starters after a scare with our last pregnancy, we had our beautiful rainbow baby Makenna Elizabeth Susanna, she has been such a delight and we truly treasure our little miracle. Our family feels complete with our 4 wonderful kiddos, I am so blessed.

 

 

Devastating Life Changes
Another huge and devastating change has been the loss of my mom who was not just my mom but my best friend. On Feb 6th, 4 days after her 60th birthday my mom died suddenly of a heart attack due to high blood pressure. Even though my mom struggled for years with MS (Multiple Sclerosis)and was in constant pain her death was unexpected and completely devastating to my family. I feel so lost without my mom and often am so alone and unsure of how to continue on. My mom is so missed and loved by myself, my dad, siblings, our spouses, all her 9 grandchildren (ages 1 year to 12 years old), and her many friends.

 

 

 

Surrendering to God, feeling His Love again
With the loss of my mom I am trying to find our new "normal". I know my life will never be the same because no one can ever replace her. A friend in a miscarriage group recently posted a song on her blog that has really helped me. In the song it says, "I touch the sky when my knees hit the ground" that reminds me so much of when my mom died, my dad and husband held me up as I was screaming and calling out to God and begging for my mom...but I have felt something about me being held up because I would have been on my knees crying out. I have had to surrender the loss of my mom to God. Here is the song that has been amazing to me during this difficult time.

https://youtu.be/y1RQciil7B0